SOLILOQUY: After 30

[My man, my husband, my soul mate, my Neo
I’m here – ready for you.
How much longer will I have to wait for you?]

Where is he?
Is he closer?
Will I meet him tomorrow?
Or do I know him today?

Am I desperate or just impatient?
Should I detest the wait or enjoy the journey?
Will he know me when our eyes meet?
Or will we need time to build our connection?

[Oh hell no! Even she can get a beau?]

She’s got a man, is she more deserving than me?
Even he’s got a man, hell, was that one mine?
Am I wrong for feeling envious?
Am I wrong for being jealous?

Do I need a man or just want one?
Am I feeling pressured by Society?
Does God hear my request or am I on mute?

[My friend Crystal just got engaged, and her ring is hot!
I know I should feel happy for her, and I do, but I also do not.]

Dang, when is it going to be my turn?
Should I just give up on love?
Or just give up on life?
Should I just give up on the hope of ever being someone’s wife?

Am I ugly?
Am I fat?
Am I too thin?
Am I going crazy?
Or is it because I’m crazy?

[I really like this guy, but he hasn’t returned my call since our date the other day
I could really see us being together, but I guess he didn’t see it that way.]

Am I too independent?
Or came off as too dependent?
Is it because I have a child?
Am I too old for him?
Or is it that I’m too young?
Am I too shy and didn’t talk enough?
Or was it that I am too outgoing and came on too strong?

Am I cursed?
Is it God’s will for me to remain single?
Can I be OK with that?
If it is his will, what have I done or not done to be deemed unworthy in his eyes of my Adam?

Hmmm?

Am I faithful or faithless?

[My man, my husband, my soul mate, my Neo
I’m here – ready for you, and over 30, too.
How ever much longer it will be…I’ll faithfully wait for you.]

*Suggested read
Hebrews 11

Tara S. Gause aka Poetic Goddess Tara Shenéa
© 2007. All Rights Reserved.

MR. GREENE

Uhm, excuse me, excuse me Miss…can you spare a dollar or some change?
Hey, how about you Mister…can you spare anythang?

Hey, hey you Miss Lady, hold on now - listen, my name is Maxwell Greene
And, uh…just like you in yo pretty bidness suit, I once had me a dream.
I was gonna be a big bidness man, selling handmade furniture, right here in this city
And look at me today on this bench, at 57, nothing more than a big pity.

Ya know, with the life I’ve lived, I be thinking back over my life some days
And for the life of me, young lady – I just don’t know where I went wrong for me to end up out here, this way.

See, my Uncle Joe was a carpenter, like Jesus, and when I was young he showed me how to build tables, and chairs with wood like this bench
But somehow I never got on the right foot to get my bidness started once I grew up and somehow lost all my good sense.

I know you don’t think much of me now, ‘cuz my teef all gone and my hair’s grown out and I needs me a good shave
But I tells you the truth Miss Lady, although you may not believe it, I used to look damn good back in the days

Shiiiitt, back in the 70’s, I used to hang out over across the way on 54th and Lincoln
Having my pick of the ladies, in my white Caddy, dressed to impress, smoking reefer and drinking

Back then, I was known as “Big Money” Greene around that way
I was a Hustler’s hustler running numbers, pushing ladies and caine, bringing in big cash every day
Hell, I was the man, ya know…uhm, a Baller, as you young people say

Yeah, l lived on the top of the street chain until that one day when my main man Roy introduced me to Smack
That bitch took me on a ride to Heaven, then Hell, then to outer space and back.
I lost everythang, including my Mama’s love and hope
My main broad Sheila told me to choose one day, and you know what, like a fool I chose the dope.
I was mighty low after that, going in and out of jail for stealing some of this and some of that
I binged out and almost died twice before getting that goddamn monkey off my back.

Around the mid 80’s, I got married and tried to do the right thing by my wife Geraldine She was about 6-months pregnant at that time with my youngest daughter Maxine

So for the first time, I got me a good job working as a UPS man
Delivering all types of boxes and letters in one of them big brown vans.

But I didn’t keep that job long see, ‘cuz of my side lady at the time, Sweet Pat
She and I used to get high on crack, from time to time, - it was casual, so I didn’t see nothing wrong with that.

Until one day, I went to her on my lunch break, ya know, just to take a little toke
Yeah, me and my Patty had a good ole time drinking and loving in a hotel room full of smoke

Ha, ha, yessuh - before long, it was after 4PM and I still had deliveries to make
So I rushed out the room and into the streets, speeding ‘cuz I was hella late.

And before I knowed it, out came this kid on a bike riding kinda slow
And I was high as a kite with semi-blurred sight and didn’t exactly see him, ya know.

I still don’t remember much about it, but I knew I wasn’t high after I saw that bike under my van all bent
And I had to pay for that child’s life with my own and haven’t been the same ever since

I did 20 years, hard time, in State prison, and I’ve been out 1 year to the day
And here I am sitting on this bench still wondering where I went wrong to end up out here, this way.

Tara S. Gause aka Poetic Goddess Tara Shenéa
© 2007. All Rights Reserved.

COINCIDENCE OR GOD?

Driving down Main as tears begin to release from my eyes
For I am overcome with hopeless emotion after looking upon the sign
That now reads at the corner BP, “Unleaded Gas 3.29”
Damn! I say – that’s 3 cents more than yesterday!
I can’t do this shit man, no matter how hard I try
My budget is tighter than brand new braids, so I pray up towards the sky

Dear God,
It’s me your daughter Tee, and I am now between a rock and hard place
Please hear my humble cry and shed on me your saving grace
‘Cuz Lord, right now I’m feeling hopeless, and my Faith is on “E” and so is my tank
All my bills haven’t been paid and I’ve only got $187 left in the bank
I need to pay my car insurance, my cell, DSL and go to the laundry mat
But I have to put some gas in my car and may not be able to do all of that
My son is growing like a weed and has outgrown both pairs of his shoes, and needs at least one new
But I need to fill my tank to get to work this week, and so I have to choose
And my daughter’s in the band and her instrument rental fee is due at the end of this week, and Lord you know I don’t got it
It will hurt my baby’s heart to the core if I tell her she has to quit because I can no longer afford it
I also need to buy groceries, because I’m almost out of food
But I need to have gas to get both of my children, back and forth to school
Father, you know my situation and that their fathers aren’t around to help lighten the load
Since one is in jail for the next 5 years and the other was shot and killed when my son was only 3-years-old
I’m working 2 jobs, and struggling without end and with guilt for missing out on my kids life
Now I’ve got to choose between buying gas to get to work or my family’s quality of life
I need you now Lord, like Smokie sings in the song
Because the cost of gas has thrown a wrench in my plan, to where I don’t know how I’ll get along
To fill my tank will cost me around 35 bucks or maybe even more
And Lord I need to do that, this and next week, so that’s what I’m asking you for
A supernatural blessing that only you can bring about for sure
Because your word says “Let your requests be made known to God” inside Philippians 4
So I’m asking you Lord, in Jesus name, please deliver a fuel blessing and I’ll manage the rest - Amen

I wiped my face dry, blew my nose and thanked God for what I believed that he would send
And just like that I heard my name being called over the air on the Gospel radio station
Saying that I needed to call within 30 minutes for I am the winner of the internet contest I’d entered for a $100 gas card to use at any Exxon gas station
Thank you God! *smile*

Suggested read:
1 John 5:14-15

Tara S. Gause aka Poetic Goddess Tara Shenéa

© 2007. All Rights Reserved.

An Ode to Good Dick

Hello friends and visitors, please accept my sincere apology if you are offended by my opinion below. I’m just expressing my current view on this type of sexuality. I’m not judging, I have two Sisters who are Lesbians whom I love dearly and accept their lifestyle decision. It’s all in lyrical fun. We cool? Good. Enjoy the read; I’m sure you’ll have a laugh or two. Thanks for visiting my Blog, please comment, subscribe and/or come again. ~Shenéa

Warning:

This poem is rated Mature and may contain material unsuitable for readers under 18.

An Ode to Good Dick

Because of my devout love for “good” Dick and testosterone-filled sex with a man,
I’ve honestly tried to understand Lesbianism but Lord knows I just can’t

I mean, as good as Dick is – No!, let me say that again, AS GOOD AS DICK IS!
What spell could a chick be under? To accept a monotonous clit lick over the lightning and thunder?

Hell to the nawl, that style just ain’t for me to participate,
‘Cuz with every inch of the woman I am my vote will always be on getting Dicked-down to the fullest versus getting my pussy ate

Now don’t get me wrong, I like to mix in getting served with a vicious tongue during a session
But a chick just can’t put that masculinity into it – you know, that Alpha male aggression

See, I figure that most of these chicks haven’t been Dicked-down properly to the point where a Brutha leaves a Sista spent but delighted
Ignited, and righted by his passionate freak
Where she lay there mouth agape in a blissful sleep
Pussy throbbing and beaten swollen where she can feel the bulge between her legs
Whatever the hell he did wrong, is forgotten and not another freakin’ word about it will be said

I’m talking about that thug-nasty freak that DMX put on Taral in Belly, the movie
That Brutha had me crossing my legs and clenching while viewing – in my mind I was like freak me Nucca, Ooh Wee!

That’s what’s up with Dick, it’s a beautiful thang that ain’t never hurt nobody
Well then again, Alexyss did say that Dick is so good that “Dick WILL make you slap somebody.” LOL!

Girl, have you ever craved a Dick?
Or even been haunted by the loss of it after coming across some bullshit prick?

Have you ever been freaked so good that you just gave up the ghost beneath him and was reborn into ecstasy a slave to his rhythm?
Or had a Dick so bangin’ it reached the bottom of your pussy and you came like a porn star and finally knew what you were missing?

No? Well hang in there girl, life gets better after having good Dick in your life – Stay on the grind
Yes? Well high-five me, ‘cuz you like the Goddess , my Sista, have been turned out in your lifetime

Plus, you got’s to love giving head
That’s right, you heard what I said,
Call me a White-girl ‘cuz I LOVE giving head
Don’t be taken aback, remember, Dick is good and right
I’d rather suck a big dry Dick any day then to lick a wet, monthly-bleeding pussy on any night

Think about it?

That shit right there is for the birds
Because if nothing else detours the curiosity of lezzy-sex, that right there is the deal breaker and that’s my word!

So, for the sake of good Dick (and it is Oh, so good!), give Dick a try my femme and stud Sistas, OK?
That’s it!
I will even share the number of my good Dick friend Kelvin just to ensure the session will be the motherfreakin’ shiznit!

Yeah, yeah, I know…it is said that pussy and money rule the world and in many ways that is true

But a good Dick master like my Boi “Kellz” can damn sure control the woman that the pussy belongs to (I’m a witness –Hallelooyer!) so the controller of the world is really who?

Tara S. Gause aka Poetic Goddess Tara Shenéa
© 2007. All Rights Reserved.

SWEET LOVE SONG

The moment has arrived
I know this for the pulse between my thighs rings as if an alarm
I am ablaze within

His touch coupled with his dancing tongue is a fuel accelerant
His finger tips are guided heat-seeking missiles setting off landmines of bliss on spots where he alone is sovereign
His scent is an intoxicating breeze emitted from Heaven’s ebony male honeysuckle tree
He utters my name in a surround sound reverberating whisper
Ecstasy - I am now in water

Can I survive or will I drown?

I am shackled within his passion and he has swallowed the key
Freedom has deserted me and left me stranded on the isle of his bed

I refuse to S.O.S.

Mine eyes are a window to my yearning soul and I have no curtains to shield out the piercing sunshine of his gaze
For his gaze is a soul thief
I am beautifully violated by the mixture of our steaming sweat
His hard within my soft
His rough against my smooth
My yin intertwined in his yang

Our adhesive is eternal

Immortal love is welcomed in by our duet of moans
Shall we sing forever, my love?The audience within my body screams loudly, Encore, Encore!

Tara S. Gause aka Poetic Goddess Tara Shenéa
© 2007. All Rights Reserved.

MIND + BODY + SOUL = LOVE

When you ask me to love you
You ask me to open up a flood gate of emotion
An ocean of remembrance of ill past deeds done unto me

When you ask me
You ask me to trust you and to believe that hurt will never again tear through my flesh with its razor-like talons seeking to devour my trembling soul

You say you come to make me whole
To heal,
and to edify my being

Unseeing
You ask me to do this blindly
To put it all behind me and you in the front

This is what I want
For me to love and for you to love me
but the fear of the unknown is all encompassing

When you ask me to love you
You ask me to ignore my intuition,
cancel my suspicion,
and disable my inhibitions

Listen
To what it is that you are truly asking of me

You ask me to love infinity
So, I in turn consult the trinity – they that give power to love

My MIND, my BODY, and my SOUL

Now my soul, she calls you mate and simply adores you
My body says “he’s so sexy and has potential, let’s pursue”
But my mind, she’s a sharp one and weary on taking chances on this unstable entity called love

But all of the above have to agree
In order for me To be free - to LOVE

Tara S. Gause aka Poetic Goddess Tara Shenéa

© 2007. All Rights Reserved.

THIS WAY

I wish that it didn’t have to end this way
But I wished for it to cease
I wish that I didn’t have to see that look upon his face
A mixture of heartbreak and defeat
Bittersweet
This moment is for me
I’m relieved that it is finally over
Although I have no joy

I love him – but “in love” I am not
So this journey had to stop
Our priceless time spent now wasted in the wind
Because neither one of us wanted to say goodbye
To work it out we tried, in hindsight it was not God’s will
If so, we’d be together still

The thrill of love came and went as if in a rush
I must – be faithful and be content that it was meant
I’ve lost a potential life mate but hopefully retained a friend
Again I wish that it didn’t have to end – this way

Tara S. Gause aka Poetic Goddess Tara Shenéa
© 2007. All Rights Reserved.

THE L WORD

Damn this Brutha got me gone
Like something I’ve never known
I’m stoned!
That’s right; I’m high just off the entrance of his image in my mind
Divine – this man is SO
I don’t know – can’t put it all to words
It’s absurd, because I know him – but I don’t
Fear of the unknown tells me to abandon this – but I won’t
Because this passion endures, it is immortal and intertwined with my soul
Imprisoned – I am, and it is my warden
Refusing to release me until my will to fight the feeling is broken

As our new beginning unfolds, I’ll know then and only then if his heart for me is true
No need to question my own intentions because I want to be his everything
even if he says “I want to be nothing with you”

I feel out of control and I struggle to maintain my composure
As the vision of our lovemaking plays out it my mind – over, and over, and over
It is my favorite film with him as the leading man and I as the best supporting actress
A classic
Our performance together is a force to be reckoned with
A seamless entity we become where I don’t know where he stops and I begin

Incredible is what he is to me
Irreplaceable to him is what I aspire to be

I am consumed with the four-letter L-word
It is alive within me, ablaze, complex, and robust But the question I ponder at this very moment is “What am I actually feeling for this man – is it Love or is it Lust?”

Tara S. Gause aka Poetic Goddess Tara Shenéa
© 2007. All Rights Reserved.

BRINK OF EXTINCTION

Brink of Extinction

The Hunt is on…
I mean can’t you tell?
With the fatherless households
dilapidated neighborhoods
glorified drug usage and addition to retail
Rampant joblessness, HIV swells
high dropout rate and abundantly filled jails
Systems set up for him to fail
To fall on his beautifully onyx face and to breathe in debris
conditioning him to be –
thoughtless
hopeless
godless
dope-full
ultimately turning his heart away from
everyone and everything
including you and me

The Hunt is on…
I mean can’t you see?
Law enforcement shoot to kill because of his pigment
Ones who look like self do the same and it’s straight ignorant
Man, I ask you
What happened to the days where street brawls were common
and a man could live to fight another day?

Majestic Prince of the Sahara sands – STAND!

Where is your love –
for your people?
Show us!
Your connection –
to your people?
Lead us!
Your passionate strength and birth right responsibility
to uplift your race
Positively
Phenomenally
By example, triumphantly leading the way
Where are you?
What happened ya’ll…
Has he gone and left us astray?
I mean have we come this far to have bred a race of cannibals?
Where he the young, the old, and the foolish carry guns to
Steal, kill, and destroy!
Sound familiar?
This trend is one of an evil nature
…but the devil is not at fault
The ebony male is under attack
– internally and externally –
and he and we
are suffering as a result

Oh yes ya’ll!…, ah yeh-yes ya’ll!

The Hunt is on…
I mean does anybody care?
About his welfare?
His visible despair?
That this species makes the Department of Corrections multi-billionaires?
That it is shareholders primary interest to keep him there?
That his life is likened to a baseball game – 3 strikes and you’re outta here?
Not much thought is given in the court system to if his home life was fair
If so, it’s inadmissible – who cares?
It’s quite possible Hip-Hop or null raised him and is at the root of his degradation
His mental devastation
He ranks lowest in primary education
He’s last chosen in orphanage to home placement
That his self-esteem has been mangled and scarred from behavior by this nation
That he’s guilty until proven innocent in a justice situation
That his race is only 12% of the nation
Are you aware of all this shit that he is facing!?
George Dubya enacted the “No Child Left Behind” act
Where is the “No Black Male Left Behind” act?
For his face in the higher educational system lacks
And I ask where is his ethical treatment organization?
PETA exists for the dogs, rats, and cats
You can ask Vick about that…
The government saved the black bear, the black rail bird, and the black-footed ferret
Where is the rescue organization for the man – Black?
For his denial to vote, obtain school loans or decent employment
after paying his debt with freedom denied
For his socially accepted police brutalization, and unjustified homicides
For his federal mandatory sentences for the first possession of Crack?
Not heroine, not murder, not rape, not pedophilia and that’s fact!
Are they lesser crimes?
Swim in that…
Now listen closely to hear the shareholders snickering
trying to hold their laughs back

The Hunt is on…
And in case you didn’t know
– the African male is the prey
Mentally Revolutionize
– You and I have to try –
Be he transformed by the renewing of his mind
I need for him to try
Because he is on the brink of extinction
and if he dies…
– She dies

Oh yes ya’ll!… ah yeh-yes… yes ya’ll!

Soak!

Tara S. Gause aka Poetic Goddess Tara Shenéa
© 2006. All Rights Reserved.

A Letter To My First ‘Un’Born Child

A Letter To My First ‘Un’Born Child
(Death Date: May 16, 1998)

I feel the need to explain to you the reason you’re not here
Mainly because at 23, I was immature, unstable and full of fear

It’s not that I didn’t love you, I know that now, as I shed a tear

It’s just that at the time, when you were alive
I allowed that love to be conquered by fear

Fear that I couldn’t support you, and that you and I would struggle
Fear of being a statistic; another single black mother
Fear that I had made a mistake, in the father that I had chosen
He was only 19 at the time, with no direction, and no focus
Fear that I would become a failure and all my dreams would be deferred
Fear that I would be a terrible mother for you… the last thing I wanted in this world

I wasn’t ready to be a mother, I wish that wasn’t the case
And I didn’t want to resent you, or throw that up in your face

Despite it all, I know now that you deserved to live
You also deserved more, than two young adults had to give

You deserved the chance to exist, for more than 7 weeks
To be loved, to be cherished, to breathe, to cry, and speak

If I could turn back the hands of time, of course I’d change that fate
Then I would get a chance to know you, hold you, and kiss your little face

You were God’s gift to me, because He knew what I didn’t at the time
That you were the love I needed, that you would mature me, this now I realize

I miss you my child, I forfeited our chance and what we could have had
But how can you miss what you never had some say, I don’t know
but I miss you really bad

I could never forget you, I’m haunted by the memory of that day
The appointment, the doctors, the room, and the sound of the machine
that took your life away

I’m ashamed of what I did to you…I’ll never forgive myself
I wish that I would have been stronger for you
and understood the value of life itself

This is what I thought you deserved to know, about your Mom and the choice she made
Although young, your Dad did want you, and never thought of you as an accident, nor a mistake

You are my first unborn child, my regret, my tears, my biggest fault
I’ll love and nurture your spirit forever, inside the womb of my heart


 

Tara S. Gause aka Poetic Goddess Tara Shenéa
© 2003. All Rights Reserved.

GIRL INTERRUPTED circa 1983

On the ER bed she lays
Vision of a harsh life appears and fades

Pretty and she knows it
Body ahead of her age

Grown men calling her name
Childhood passed up, sex at an early age

Moms is worried, ain’t seen her in a week
Try’s to gain control, but got a job to keep

No more school, drops out in the eighth
Listens to no one… sex for money points the way

Mom’s is thru, done all she can do
puts her out at 15, the streets she turns to

Now, it’s dope to cope
A drink to think
Fuck her or him to eat
Rob those who trust easily to keep
 herself high
so she don’t cry
Because the streets they have no love

Pimp seeks her out, to fatten his roll
Wines her and dines her, then takes control
Bad advice from victims in the life
Now she pro hoe strolls…

Tracks in her arms, multiply to deal with the real

Barely 80 lbs. now, drug life takes its toll
Pimp beats her ass, this time breaks her nose

Encourages her to make more dough for sex with no hat
Bumps on her cat, Herpes Simplex 2, no cure for that

High as a kite, late Friday night
Little too much this time…something don’t feel right

On the ER bed she lays
Vision of a harsh life appears and fades

Doctors and nurses hurry, doing all they can do 
ECG machine shows flat line…
She’s gone and her baby too

Tara S. Gause aka Poetic Goddess Tara Shenéa
© 2003. All Rights Reserved.